Happy New Year!

This post is a wee bit early, but anyway... Happy New Year!

This has been one of the most eventful and unforgettable years in my life. I fell in love. I found out what i care about... and i had faced few of my darkest moments. I faced questions about my future, and found courage to see those through.

I found the strength to fight my silences.

I also lost love, fought sanity and fought reason. Only to find Sanity and Reason... my thoughts have cleared and i have finally come out through the other side, mildly bruised but much wiser.

It has been a magical year, a complete fairy tale... with its dragons and witches, Hero's and princesses. It has been a journey i'm thankful to have had. Forgive the randomness of this post, this is happening extempore.

I am thankful for the new friends i have found and mournful of those i've lost, i feel it has made me... Me for all those who were a part of my life this year, Thank you... for you have been a part of what i've finally defined myself as.

I used to be a lost romantic without direction or coherent being, now i know who i am and know what exactly i'm doing... and what i seek, you have been a part of it... and i say it again thank you.

There is no use looking back, for The Past has happened and the Future awaits us.

This happens every second, and every moment of our existence... but for this once... let us celebrate a year which has added to our lives and brought to us that greatest treasure of all...

Wisdom.

Thank you 2008. Farewell, you are a friend who's memory will not fade.

And 2009! You have a lot to live up to my dear friend!

Happy New Year all, i hope this year is as magical as it can ever get. Reach for the Stars.

Love,

TP

The Oldest Drug

First you're just curious about it, you've heard people saying some nasty things about it... and those who've tried it have given you mixed reviews. Few of them tell you to NEVER try it but they stick to it all the time.

Then you decide, maybe you want to try it too, see what it feels like. You hang around... and try it. It overwhelms you, its something you've NEVER felt before and has suddenly opened up so many doors, the world is a brighter place. And you're (on a) high, while the feeling lasts nothing seems impossible. Pink Floyd starts making sense and so do the lyrics in death metal. you start singing along to gay songs like truly madly deeply.

And then, you start wanting more.

Hmm, now that i look back at what i've written i guess any intoxicant, booze or ciggarrette might have fit the same pattern.

What i'm actually talking about is Love.

The Oldest drug known to man. Love.

That thing just fucks you up. Love even though not classified as harmful, or as an prescription only consumable. Definetly follows the pattern, typical of any other intoxicant.

Lets continue our story.

You Start wanting more, and more... and then suddenly you stop getting any. It drives you crazy, you become hormonal.. become exposed to spontaneous bouts of anger followed by crying. you start avoiding your friends... and piss off those you do care about. You start either eating nothing or too much... suddenly you've either lost or gained 5-6 kgs.

You start asking why, and then when you realise you arent going to get any... and when the source lets you know, there isn't going be anymore and that its over. You rebound onto anything else, as long as it keeps you high, you'll take anything alchohol, a joint, a blue pilll, a green pill... anything. or In this case, since love involves people instead of consumables... you'll start wanting to be with any random stranger who smiles at you.

finally, years after its over... after you've rid yourself of it, and weaned yourself of it.

All it takes is a slight chance encounter. And just like alchoholics, all you'll need is a little push.

And you'll be thrown back into Madness.

Written from the heart.

P.S This Being in Love thing Blows.

Open Letter to The Pro Chancellor

Dear Sir,
I'm a Student of VIT, and am in my fourth year. I decided to Stay back during my Winter Vacation primarily to work on my B.Tech Thesis. However, it seems the University has a higher priority, becoming a movie set for example. I have no objection to or care for the shooting in progress on our campus... what i do care about is how this is coming in the way of what i stayed back during a time of my vacation to do.

I have no access to the Labs, i have been denied access to the campus premises. The hours i intended to spend learning, are now spent whiling away i can't even access the library. The Canteen is off limits, and the campus gate facing the hostel has been put under a lock. therefore if i want to go to the library, i will have to walk 2kms around the campus and enter it from main gate after being harrassed by security guards. and Having to explain what I'M doing in campus, i'm a STUDENT and it is my RIGHT to be in the campus.

Why has this "shooting" given you the moral right to close off all the gates? and not allow any students in? Why does it happen Repeatedly that you alienate students AND faculty by doing things like this? All the above, are as applicable to faculty as to students, in that manner we're being treated equal. Equally bad that is.

I don't know about being Student Friendly, but this college is DEFINITELY Shooting Friendly. The university will proabably declare a holiday when the next moviestar comes to shoot here. It is this behavioural aspect, that clearly shows the priorities of the college and the way they treat "their own" (in case there is a misunderstanding, i mean the faculty and the students).

I really expect no action, or corrective measures. But i would feel ashamed that i had to endure such ridiculous behavior, and i didnt speak up.

Yours Sincerely,

Tejapratap .B
IV year ECE.

My Picasso Moments

I've talked about them before, but only with Aditi. They are the special section of my book of memories.

How do you remember your past? As knowledge? a few words and facts? as a series of events... or a set of smells? Have you paid attention to how you keep you memories?when something triggers your memory... that memory comes rushing back...ever cared how?

My memories are flashes of images, heavily distorted, a few colours dimmed and a few exaggerated in their brightness, over done. The Red too Red and the non descript sky like sterlised cotton... white, thready and never ending.

The Clarity of a few of these images fades with time, a few borders going fuzzy, the photograph getting a tinge of the sepia tone. A few lose all meaning and are relegated to the archives, and like all archives will probably be forgotten about, until something happens that will push you to extract the musty old memories... stale as sand.

A Few will remain on the fringes of your consciousness, the smell of home you left behind, the whiff of familiar perfume... the predictable pot holes in your street. People's faces as you'll always remember then, the Uncle with the funny moustache, the man who had looked immensely proud when he bought his first car, the mohalla kids who you played cricket with. These are your everyday memories, significantly redone to fit your perspective and since then unchanged. 

This makes up most of my memory book, these and the innumerable afternoons i spent chatting away with my friends when i should have been studying. :) 

However, these aren't the memories which make me feel privileged and special to have witnessed them. These were just the ordinary ones which give substance of which i'm made of, but not what defines me per se, what makes me... Me. The ones that do, those are My Picasso Moments.

These images will forever be burned into my consciousness, and each time they surface, they bring an extraordinary amount of... feeling? i guess is the word... with them, each detail, bright and clear as it ever was, each smell, the mood... Everything... it just RUSHES in. These will be the ones that'll define me, the ones that i'll always cherish and each time, be honored and happy that i had a chance to have them.

And if i could relive them, i'd give the world.

And then he looked back.

 My last few posts have been... how do i put it? very Objective? All of them intent on dealing with a particular subject, an event or an incident. It has become reflective of what i'm becoming. :) Since we started the paper, my perspective towards everything has become ' does that have "story" value'  i look at everything like a journalist. Not like an author, i've thrown away all my charming little idioms, and phrases, which attached some character to my writing.

My writing now looks like a  'Story' as journalists refer to it as. Crisp, immediate consumption... like a pack of potato chips. That however is so...NOT the way i want to be writing.

i'll think its time i take a good hard look at the way i write.

The Dating Question

There is something about the concept of dating that fascinates me.

And i can never get enough of the social analysis, the fine intricate weaving... the silly things people do to keep it that way. The approaches people try, the outcomes and the game.

It is a Game, but not in this country.

Dating in the western world is a way different affair from the one here. See, in the western world, dating is a kind of acceptable social behaviour where the intention is to have fun, and if luck permits find THE guy or for that matter, THE girl for you.

But, Oh no... like Russell Peters will put it... No nono no no... it ain't that simple here. (Obviously i'm not referring to the affluent Bourgeois, they tend to rather be off the charts when it comes to societal behavior and cause more headaches in the overall analysis ... are a major pain in the actual statistics)

The Dating world in Urban India my dear Friends is Way, Way complicated and much More fun.

And what is my research? Spending a good part of two days on a dating Website, a facebook app call SpeedDate. Which pretty much surprised my friend(s). So in case you did get, umm... status updates refering to my activity on SpeedDate, ignore... this was what it was for. I didn't want to spoil the surprise.

Now, What is the Objective of Dating on the Indian Web? Girls are NOT looking for dates. Nope. Misconception there, what they are looking for are "Hunks" who they think will approach them, and get this..."They are of the 'same' type"...now exactly do i mean by type? i hope he is a "of the same religion" or if he is from around here... the typical stuff.

People set great store by your profile Picture, its what matters the most... So you've GOT to make sure it looks insanely nice. Of if you are like me... e.g. i'm to photogenic like the ice berg was to the Titanic. You better use insane amounts of photoshopping or use some crazy abstract art picture.

That for some reason, gives an aura that you're "Upwardly Mobile" DONT ask me! i have no freaking clue why thats so. And people pleasee yaar, dont put your goggles on and sit for photographs, makes you like jokers. This however is view i'm sure is shared by a lot of people... there might be a vast majority who actually do think its cool. Ambiguity here.

The second most important characteristic is your approach... how good is your english? if your english is good enough... we have a winner! This however is the case everywhere. i mean come on... you look good and you speak well. that IS the winning combination.

Anyway, Dating here... the online type atleast is a joke. I was actually surprised that it might work... but naa... they are Far Cry from anything real ever happening to you... and thats because of all the anonymity... though the anonymity gives everyone the freedom to do things as wacky as possible, it also screws with actual concept... a lack of actually knowing who you are talking to, because you can't actually see their profile or for that matter their friends, makes it very hard to even get "real".

All in all, its a sucky substitute. But was wholesome entertainment, as i had to come up with the most RIDICULOUS flirt lines ever. And i thoroughly made a fool of myself, i'm happy now that it really WAS anonymous. :)

Cheers! Till the Next post then.

The Most Profound Question.

What is the most profound question you've ever heard? i'd expect it to be a couple of lines atleast.

The most profound set of words i've ever come across is:

Q.     Why?

Ans. Because.

Q.     Why Anything?

Ans. Because Everything 

The Personality of the Road Beings

Who the bloody hell are you?

That question can be trivial and/or one of the most self-examining ever, depending on you.

That search for definition of who we are, and the craving of an identity, the issue of belonging... all these philosophical and though serious... boring things have been pretty much documented by half the pyscologists in the world, and the rest of the literature by lousy indian american writers, that not really what i want to talk about, anyway.

Coming to the Point. Who the bloody hell are you?

Now we can define you in innumerable ways, and put you into little boxes and label you. Race, Class, Creed etc... and you're supposed behave like how the rest in that box behave. These are as things go pretty lousy blocks and are unreliable at best. 

Thing is i thought of a differnt one... box that is... and it is proabably one of the most awesome ways to describe a person(-ality).

The Way you Drive!

i've been pillion to a Number of drivers and all of them have a distinctive style to their driving which co-related to their actual personalities.

Now, the reason i never published this before, is that i never had the Complete picture you know .... all sorts. Today... that happened and now i'm in a position to put forward a theory.

Now lets start with Prashant,

 Drives like a maniac, and nearly got me killed twice.

  

 He drives fast, and looks through to all the short cuts, and irrespective of the cost... just takes 'em. High concentration, low effort.

Next, A guy who i don't talk to anymore.

 Another guy who drives like a maniac, nearly killed a cow. Rammed into a toyota, with a mod  engine.

 this guy... tries new things all the time, never completes anything and crashes before the end.

 pretty much the definition of a guy who tries too hard doing all the wrong things without getting the basics right,

Mr. LuckyStrike

 

 Dude has concetration issues, nearly killed me again. And a two wheeler.

 the dude has concentration issues, and lets say doesnt give a fuck about what baggage got left on the way. 

Me

 i'm a boring, responisble type of driver, i dont exceed 50 dont take risky shortcuts, and therefore never go too far. or put in enough concentration of effort to overtake that one lorry.

and that says pretty much everything about my personality.

Obviously i haven't given you ALL the details, if i did, i'd be stuck with swollen hands for the rest of the week, but trust me on the facts and the correlation.

now the last piece of the jigsaw which completed the picture.

Today i met a Loser.

In every sense of the word.

He was a nice guy. and had come to the driving school for a four wheeler license. 

First thing, he got tricked into giving me a free ride. Then, i get on... and he starts driving.

It was a scooter, been a while since i got onto one of those. An LML Vespa. it had that small seat in the front, you know for the kiddies? So i guessed he had two kids, further investigation of the number plate showed two names written in diff colors, So that one worked.

Then he starts driving. He never crossed 35 kmph on a six lane highway. He stopped for stray motorists to cross. He had issues asking for directions. And he had issues going atleast 3km without stopping to ask for directions.

i was to put it mildly, vexed.

Turns out the guy is 45 and just got promoted to Asst. Manager in a state owned bank. 

He never took a risk, there are So many banks doing predatory hiring and he never went there, he is a semi pushover, which proabably explains his position in the bank. and a TON of things, if there is any person more unremarkable, i'd love to see him... because who i saw today was the perfect output of "The Man".

And another reason why i think my theory rocks is...

Women Can't Drive!

That explains a ton of things. :P

inspiration

Writing without inspiration is pretty pointless, makes you sound like a broken record, or worse like McCain. So, I've been waiting for that particular spark, which has pushed a door open in my head and thus pushed my thoughts into directions that it has hitherto not gone to.

Anyway i got one of those today, and i shall verbalise it.

Eventually.

The Mirror

We've started a Paper in our college, its in its second issue now... and lets say it needs a lot of work a lot of people were involved in its design and fucked it up majorly. And its going to be some task, undoing all that nonsense.

any way... here's the second issue.

Water Nymphs and Bonds of Water.

For those who know about my family, well and good. For those who don't... hehe lets talk about my dad, he's this workaholic who is unable to grasp the concept of having fun. Ever seen the glucon-d ads? well he is a typical case.


I'll give you an example, he hasn't taken my mum or me out to a movie for over 10 months.
That's the definition of going out. His idea of going out is limited to grabbing Chaat at the local grocery shop.

So it came as a surprise to me, when he said... do you want to go Ocean Park. It was a thunderbolt, my eyebrows shot up... my ears twinged a bit, and it felt like Rafa losing on clay.

I quickly recovered and vigorously nodded my head. Of course that meant we had take my grandparents (surviving)...

Anyway, i decided to drive and got into the drivers seat, after giving everyone semi-heart attacks and nearly crashing into a lorry, i finally got them to theme park. They looked thankful to be alive and thanked the heavens and the stars. :)

We got our tickets and hurried into the park.

I got on to the usual thrill rides and was generally screaming my lungs out... then me and my dad decided we're going to get into Bumper Cars! It was refreshing to know that i still have my love for childish things :) i was joyful and laughing, trust me.... bumper cars ROCK! :D

So then we walked towards the water park, for those who have dreams of seeing hot chicks in skimpy clothes, FORGET IT. I walk in and i'm treated to displays of over sized, out of shape tummies with flab and elephants on two feet, with water dripping on to their skimpy shorts.

I've never seen so many unhealthy people in my life! jelly like motions, made sure they were every bit the food they ate...

Anyway, frightening scenes aside... (i think visions of flabby men and women will forever haunt me) we got into the wave pool.

And now we come to what this blog entry is about.

I was shocked.

At the people, at how happy people want to be and how they want there to be no wall between each other. The collective joy of the mob, its the first time i've experienced it.
Once the Waves started, there was no holding them back. No one cared who they were crashing against... people didn't care who was smashed against another, who anyone was... for that half-an-hour everyone were friends... we splashed water at each other, no one knew any one. we let those we never know into our assorted circle, we didn't care as long as we were having fun...

Water let something loose in people! all the while i was there, i didn't see one bad moment, one moment where there were not shrieks of joy and smiles on faces.

It gets better... there was a dance floor with water spraying at you... "Rain Dance" they called it...
Strangers become one, the idea of differences is washed away with the water.

What changed us? why do we not smile at an unknown face? why do we walk away from kind words? when did getting lost in the sites and smells of a city, of a people become taboo and risky.

Where did we lose ourselves? where did we forget that of the 30 million species we are one, and too few, and at the root of it... family?

When did we start leching... Where is all the innocence gone?

Slutgarden

My current Manson Indulgence.

"Slutgarden"

I'll pretend that I want you
For what is on the inside
But when I get inside,
I'll just want to get out
I'm your first and last deposit
Through sickness and in hell
I'll never promise you a garden
You'll just water me down
I can't believe that you are for real
But I don't care as long as you're mine

When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)

I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe
I won't repent and so
I memorize the words to the porno movies
It's the only thing I want to believe
I memorize the words to the porno movies
This is a new religion to me

I'm a VCR funeral of
Dead-memory waste and
My smile is a chainlink fence
that I have put up
I love the enemy, my love is thee enemy
They say they don't want fame
But they get famous
When we fuck

When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)

I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe
I won't repent and so
I memorize the words to the porno movies
It's the only thing I want to believe
I memorize the words to the porno movies
This is a new religion to me

I never believed the devil was real
But god couldn't make someone filthy as you

When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)

You are the church
I am the steeple,
When we fuck
We're all god's people
You are the church
I am the steeple,
When we fuck
We're all god's people

Hola!

Two things.

This week, two things caught my attention. An Experience at a Water Theme Park... and an article in the Opportunities Supplement of The Hindu.

And of course there is the next part of the serial.

A lot of writing... they're in editing phase...

wait a little more... i write best, when i'm half-asleep half-dead. My writing is a little far away.
:P

Edit : I said Two, i came up with 4. The underdog thing really had to be written, couldn't stop it from spilling on to the pages.

Trust Me

A Deviant Art picture, am in Love with it.

Rambling

Don't take this one seriously,
it's being written while i'm seriously waiting for someone to come online...

hehe, yeah "seriously" waiting. I don't like waiting. Its annoying.

We wait for everything. In this so called fast world, surprisingly we still wait a lot.

I live in a hostel. So lets see.
Hmm... lets see, we wait for the wash basin every morning, waiting for the guy pushing that toothbrush lazily into his mouth and giving me, who at the point am pretty damn sleepy (and considering i'm a person who has a significant amount of wet dreams) the impression that he is in fact wanking off the toothbrush.

And there is the wait to use the loo, ohkay come ON! get out man! a lot of crap comes from your mouth all day! is it necessary for me to listen to you actually crapping!? Fucks sake man... i heard you NOT flushing!... flush you idiot!

And then the wait for the bathroom. This i've personally given up on. I can't stand people nasaling himesh reshammiya. I can't stand himesh nasaling, these people are worse than him(its hard to imagine... trust me, apparently one CAN be worse. Its pretty bad that you already know you 5 mins away from you're first class, and this guy seems intent on singing every single fucking line and every single rip.
I've got around this one by relying on a personal adaptation of my body, which has decided not to sweat anymore. And then God created deodarants.

This saves time in actually getting the just-woke-up look. because, heh, i just did.

And then we get to class/work/wherever you keep you sorry ass during the sunlight hours.
Wait for the lift. And for you sorry souls, wait for the bus. And then rush to it, like people in a concentration camp do for food. And for you polluting gas guzzling vehicle owners, wait in line at the gas stations... wait to pay, wait to get.

Finally Get to your chosen hellhole.
It happens to be college for me.

Wait till its time for the break. Wait for the break to end. Wait for the Lunch break.

Get to the mess, wait for food. Wait for a table, wait for that idiot to get you a jug of water.
Wait for him to clean up the mess of the table, left behind by people lacking serious table manners, and probably taught how to eat by chimpanzees who are famous for throwing their crap at people when they are threatened.

Done with all this... then comes the actually fun waiting.
The waiting for your girlfriend to turn up,
the waiting for your results... when you know you could have just made it.
The waiting for your... well a lot of things.

Hmm... there is a shit load of waiting, but then... come on... if there weren't all that waiting,
doing things all the time would terribly boring.

i hope waiting doesn't go out of fashion.
hehe

Ah the pain, Bliss is here!

I've done it now,
There is nowhere to go back to,
I've done it now,
the world seems a darker place, distant.
I've done it now,
The laughter seems to stop.

Couldn't take it any more,
Couldn't take the fake lives,
Couldn't take the hypocrisy, this shitty life,
Couldn't take it to not feel love.

I've Done it now,
There is nowhere to go back to,
I've Done it now,
I've pulled the trigger.

Ah the Pain! Bliss is here.

The coke is getting in the way of my writing this, in what is going to be my last confession. its scribbly but i guess you'll be able to read it.

I'm Sorry, i guess thats the first thing i want to say, of all the things i could've said, the selfish bastard that i am, i say i''m sorry, maybe the brain's wired that way... or maybe its all that coke. Nasty cut, that bastard ripped me off... oh well let him get his goodbye present.

What was that... haan... i'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for everyone to have had me... to have survived me.

I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry dad. I thought i could live upto what you wanted to see me as, i didn't give it my all, i didn't really care enough about what you wanted me to do, or how you felt about what i wanted to become, and was becoming. I'm sorry because i didn't try.

I'm sorry i lost you love. I'm sorry for being a fucked up me. I'm sorry i asked you to choose me.
I'm sorry i won you heart and broke it. I'm sorry i let break mine too. God, (Satan?) wtevr... this stuff is really heady... making things clear... isn't it supposed to Numb the pain?

FUCK.


This started out as a suicide note:

Then i thought it was an amazing piece of writing, so then i wrote some more, and edited some and rewrote some more... and then thought... This could be a Serial!
(Somewhere then i decide to postpone my suicide, this seemed more exciting... this is part one... introduction and really really morose... it gets better trust me.)

The Great Indian Unhappy Family

The Great Indian family. Aren't we a happy lot! I can see your smiles, oh such sweet ones too... you hypocritical bastards.

I've always wondered why marriages fail. And always wondered why suddenly, everyone wants to get a divorce. Not that i care, honestly, other people can sort out their issues on their own... They don't need me to tell them what to do. But curiosity, you know thats the clincher.

The sudden interest in this to me at least, is why Relationships fail. I mean, people who know each for months suddenly say things like, its not working out... i don't love you anymore. Okay, people seriously. I don't love you anymore?! Is that even remotely on the same plane as sense?! I mean come on, you've spent enormous time... getting to know each other. And thats more than what everyone with an arranged marriage got and surprisingly, they're still together! ( Okay, how many 45 yr old divorce's do you know? ) I know my parents are, and thats pretty cool.
So why is it that these people survived the test of time, had kids and lived surprisingly happily ever after. And we get stuck with less than less than happy lives and bitchy fights and name calling, and divorces. We must be a really unhappy lot. The media has made us unwilling, to stuck up, too given to choice.

Now that is what i used to think.

Then i realized. Its all a lie.

It takes time, but i waited and then closely looked at these unbreakable and happily married families. They hate it. They've hated it all their lives... they wanted to scream, they wanted out.
But they couldn't, they were stuck in the society's web. Every generation before us, is the reason for the Great Unhappy Family, the reason why these soaps work... is because we are the great Indian unhappy family.

The Happily ever After of your parents is a lie.
The don't love each other, they just got used to each other.
In case they do, by god you're lucky.

They are living a life of lies, of compromises, of choices that were theirs to make but it wasn't then who made them, of dreams walked over, of life forced on. They are all stuck in unhappy marriages, Husbands who cheat on their wives, wives who don't love their husbands, rebellious sons, angry daughters, Husbands yelling at wives, wives yelling at kids, kids yelling at parents,
parents yelling at grandparents, grandparents yelling at maids... a den of hatred, Welcome to the Indian household.

They must've liked someone, in their time. And there are times when they might have regretted it. Now they've come too far to go back. Living a life of regret. What kind of life is that?

Tolstoy said:
"Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"
However,in this country, every unhappy family is unhappy for the same reason.


Ha. And We're morally bankrupt? Excuse ME!

Disclaimer : I'm Talking about all the Indian Families, if yours isn't as fucked up... congrats. Dil pe mat lo. Magar thoda socho.

Ha Ha!

If you're wondering about the absurdity of the title, it means... well there are two new things!

Seriously, i know... i'm getting a just a little bit retarded by the day.

Anyway, two new things... i'm starting a Serial on this blog. Yay! (is that applause i hear? oh thank you, thank you so much! love you muah.. kisses... alright thats enough, now shut it. )

And i'm going to actually start using my own advice and start the blog therapy! The Abuse of other people's blogs Begins!


EDIT : I actually sound like a haleheartyoverthetop, happy person. I guess this might work after all. Hmm. Deep.

Like Suicide... Like Genocide!

I hate my life, i've proabably known it all along, right from beign miserable about it, to taking to the fashion of reading dark depressing books and constantly wondering about self harm and hoping to wake up one day to find that all the world isnt a mess, isn't a bitch. I never did have hope for the fucked hell hole.

There’s a whole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren’t worth what a pin can spit.

that was sweeny todd. and i cant not agree.