This is what I am, This what you get.

TERM

2009-12-09T03:11:00.000-08:00

This blog, ends here.

Thank you for reading.

The Half-Way there man.

2009-11-15T02:45:00.000-08:00

"When he grows up, he'll be a great achiever!"

"So smart when so young!, He is sure to be great naa?"

"Tumhara beta toh bahut tez hai!"

Fucking illusions.

Dealing with expectations is tough isn't it? Dealing with your own, thanks to things Uncles and Aunties told about you when you were 6, is hard enough. Dealing with others is a different ball game all together, the mocking in their eyes is tough enough to take without dealing with your parents disappointment.

I'm no superman. damn it, i'm not even daredevil. The Children of destiny, its what we thought we were... kids who were Prodigies, one's who name will not be forgotten by history, and lie not its footnotes but mentioned as great. The achievers. Twenty odd years down the road, bruised filthy and already on our way down a familiar path, we realise we wanted to be those who made their own path instead of worrying about which to take. The dreams of our childhood, the ambitions of our heart now lie vacant, like the lies told to children.

Where is the glory we went out to hunt? Where are the triumphs we wanted, why does it feel so much better to just fall in line and be only slightly better than the rest. We remain unfulfilled prophesies, like a palette of colours ready to paint a spectacular fresco, but one who's artist has given up... to work on something better. The neglected heroes, the could have beens.

The middle children of destiny, thats what tyler calls us. We have nothing, we have made nothing. We didn't fight for our independence, we aren't the messiahs of peace, we are the parasites sitting on top of an infested heap, we are the lords of garbage eaters. We had so much promise (was it false?)... and now we lie here, looking for happiness, looking for something to believe in, wanting a better world, but wanting a world where we still form the infestation pyramid, is it really wrong to ask for meaning? what is this foolish hunt for self-satisfaction when the world burns?

We have become the symbols of plenty. Is that good? i wouldn't know.

But wait, what am i saying? We are the youth, we are the silent force that'll change the world, we will bear the brunt of the old ways, and remember to not pass it on when its our time to go.

Can we aid our world in that little way? can't we as we have failed in so many things, fail once more? fail to pass on the prejudices? Maybe in our shame, even in our cowardice, Fail, so that maybe a different day what should matter to us will succeed. We can't be warriors, can we not at the very least, be martyrs?

We will be remembered, for sacrificing our lives, so that those will come will learn to live the right way.

We will always be, The Half-way there men.

Promises they kept, but they weren't their own,

Battles were fought, though seen they were not,

Remember their names, for they sold their soul,

To let you keep yours, the martyrs of this age,

The Half-way there men.

Why Progress hates happiness.

2009-09-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

Imagine if Plato's utopia came true. Wouldn't the world have been a better place? Think about it, we would have had no wars, no clashes of Religion, no discrimination.

It would have been Heaven on Earth.

But consider this, if there was a Utopia. There would be no Cell phones, no Television sets, no Airplanes, no Trains, and Definitely no Steam Engine.

You can't be happy AND driven, let me rephrase that, you can be Happy and Content and be driven. The need to excel comes from some sense of lack of achievement or to be BETTER than others, which is a direct result of the Unsatisfaction in one's life. So technically speaking, once one reaches their goal, that is, there is no NEED or a survival instinct to KEEP working harder.

And Considering we are now in a capitalistic world where work being done is solely for the purpose of being able to Afford doing something else, the moment we reach satisfaction we've hit the wall.

If we were satisfied with what we had, we wouldn't have had fire. So now we are at a crossroads where the separation of satisfaction and Happiness is going to a very important tool. And will need addressing. The end of satisfaction is the End for the need to create and improve, there is no reason to fix something that isn't broken. And not being happy and being miserable isn't really the right approach either. What we are looking for is being Happy while simultaneously being unsatisfied with the levels of achievement and Pushing forward to do things, not yet done.

This is probably the reason Tenured professors generally have a lesser work output, now this shouldn't be taken as an argument AGAINST tenure. What i'm saying is that the "promise" on a end is itself the carrot that drives the young and eager to create something that will shake the world. (e.g. John Nash) So in terms of that, tenure is a great Reward.

The sooner we realise that Happiness doesn't start "after" an event, or when this happens or that happens. But instead that the moment is Right here and right now, its a drastic change of perspective. Satisfaction however is a different thing, those we can set personal milestones. And the being unsatisfied is a MUCH better option than being unhappy.

The Sado Maschoistic Self.

2009-09-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

"I want to be happy" "I am a happy person!" "I hate introspection!"

And so many more lies that we've told ourselves. Of course not! of course we don't like being happy. Being happy gives us the illusion that we are in fact living a hollow non-meaningful life! without the ability to question or for that matter evaluate who we are and what we doing.

Being "Happy" makes us think that we've semi-shrugged our responsibilities and have become a trivial person, who doesn't think or act deep. WE CANT LAST through the sunshine for more than a month without thinking or something or the other to make us feel bad.

Feeling bad/unhappy/sad , gives us (again) the illusion of focus. It makes us believe that we are at last looking objectively and meaningfully at life.

Such are the lies of the head.

The truth is, we are so Sado-Masochist when it comes to our own feelings. We DONT like feeling happy for the simple truth that it makes us feel careless. That we haven't toughened up to world. The major difference when people say they are "growing up" is the elimination of actual happiness because that "time" is now over. Who ARE you kidding?

We love our despair so much that letting it go is just not possible, we will cling on to the things that make us miserable for trivial reasons which don't feel so trivial. To help us create this entire persona of being "Victimised", are we really that much of Attention seekers? Do we REALLY need all that sympathy?

The Society is twisted in its ways too. I mean everybody digs the "Dark Streak" in people, so some reason we are so attracted to it. What is it with humans and the affinity to damaged (whether real or perceived) people? I mean the actually happy guy, is ignored as boring, the nice guy is termed as boring. Now take a guy who pretty has the same physical appearance but serious vulnerability issues and he'll have to beat away girls with a stick.

Am i the only one who thinks society is BRAIN DAMAGED?!

The guys who would drive dangerously and who drink to death and basically try to put themselves in harm's way are the ones suddenly so MAGNETIC. What people don't realise is that they are doing that out of some serious insecurities in their lives. They ARE DAMAGED.

Sober up, even the Guys are so hooked on to parasitic women with the need to feed on their emotions, slowly sucking the Life out of them and they love it.

We are so DAMN Sado-Maschoistic its not funny, i think there is a self-destruct switch in our brain and we love fiddling with it.

Defense of Decisions, Life, Love and the Ancients

2009-07-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

"What is DoTA to you?"

"Why are you so addicted to it?"

"I feel second hand to a game!"

These are the various, and oft repeating questions that i have been asked. Some of them who are gamers themselves. Often, they said, we are playing dota because we have so much free time, and that's all there is to it. DoTA was never just a game. In fact, Gaming itself was never just about the game.

There is so much more, oh so much more.

DoTA is the glue that brought us together, that to an extent kept us together. It is the reason why we spent countless hours in strange rooms whose owner's names we didn't know. What we new were their True names... their gamer names. Names aren't chosen randomly. You have one that is your True name and then it comes to you.

There is a lot in name, it prisms our personality and what was hiding behind the depths is suddenly out. In time, when we ready, we were worthy of our True names, I became MiSFiT, K became hUmtydUMty, A became Bleed, S was sLUdgy, D was well... for most of the time something that started with D, the other D finally settled on {FD}Merlyn, Ki will always be Mental no matter what his current name is, P was SadismRox at the time we didn't realise how prophetic he was being, Sa was Ter, you'd think that this is the only one which doesn't have a story, but the lack of a "name" gives in itself a perspective.

We EARNED those names, through sleepless nights, through heated fights on the Map and off the map.

And this was the Beginning.

I don't want to paste a timeline of when things happened. I'm not a good chronicler and there are many things i dont' know about. But the important thing is, it happened.

What DoTA meant to us, no MEANS to us, is not something that can be put in words. But, through words, those who were there, will have the privilege of feeling the bond we share.
I can Honestly say that the best freinds i ever made, and on whose strength and support i managed through my four years are those who play DoTA. And i wouldn't trade them for anybody else in the world. Yes, Merlyn included.

I can honestly say, that i made my most significant friends in the corridors of B-Block, and in that mecca G-451. In the early days, everyday wasn't short of magical. Literally.

Right from our P breaks, which included mega strategy discussions. And much jumping around corridors in the middle of the night through to the cold calculations we had to make in-game while playing for pride.

Gaming was where we turned when we were disillusioned with the cruel unpredictable world outside, which never played by the rules. We went instead to a world, with rules, with Rules that weren't written but honored and those who didn't were swiftly dealt with.

Rivalries in real life were dealth with much easily on the map. And no matter what, we always came back. Because that was the power of the game.

It wasn't wasting time, it was bonding... because the game brings out not only the anger. It brings a wide variety of all your traits, everyone's job in the game was they were, TRULY in life. I played support. hUmty played carry. and so on... although it did happen that our roles often changed. But our best results came when we stuck to our inner charactersitics.

But, i had to make a choice, a choice to leave behind what had for a greater part of my life defined me. I had to leave one thing i loved, for someone else i loved. And there was no question about what was more important to me.

See, DoTA isn't timepass, it isn't something like going to a hairdresser, you go once a week and its done, it is an intense effort to keep getting better, keep being ahead of the game. And when i wasn't doing that, i had a moral obligation to my Clan to not make it hard for them. This came out in a particularly intense game in Saadhana. Where we ended up third. And involved me dropping an Infernal on an image of tb.

There always have been three aspects to my life, my work and projects, my love, and Dota. There was time for only two of these. And i had to make one of the hardest decisions i ever had to make. But i wasn't a martyr i made the decision because my self interest. DoTA doesn't have feelings, but the girl i loved did. Maybe she'll never understand what DoTA is to us. But that has always been the case with us, with the true followers, we were never understood. We were always misfits in the real world...

P.S: The Brain Damage Line.

The following graph is an indication of how balanced your life is. As long as you are above the line, you'll proabably be the kind of person who will call DoTA a "video game", and if you are below the line you'll never manage to keep it together.

Delay Explained.

2009-07-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

A Particularly fine month involving rather colorful, eventful and memorable happenings has kept me away from writing. I have to say, i expected a bit of boredom, but i seem to be occupied all the time these days with enough work to fill the time.

Anyway, life has given me a much deserved break from the fun and frolic, by getting me sick.

I know shall be able to get back to writing. As now i have the perfect excuse to do nothing productive for the period while i'm sick.

Ha ha! Be positive they say in AOL... i guess this is what they meant ;)

Shame And Arrogance

2009-05-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write this for a while. However a deep sense of shame, disillusionment and mostly anger restrained me.

People of my Nation, i Salute you. Because you are most wretched electorate the world will ever see. People would Obviously question MY authority and knowledge on deriding the intelligence and thought process of an entire nation, however i intend to break that illusion as well.

I have no hope for this nation, or for its future. For, we have never learned from our mistakes, and don't intend to... and forget the lessons we did learn. I have NO hope for this nation of fools who has in its wisdom put the same family in power for over 40 years of our 60 odd years of independance.

We have traded in our self respect, and one dynasty (the tudor) for another ( Khan-Gandhi-Nehru)

In all our wisdom, the electorate votes its caste to power.

And what is it that the Winning Party needs? approval of 28% of voters, t0 have a near majority in the house.

This ladies and gentlemen, is the Indian State.

Sides without ideology are the only ones who will win, the liberals will not vote. In Fact the trend is, the more educated you are, lesser the chance that you will go out and vote... so obviously the parties dont give a shit about you. Don't crib its your doing in the first place.

Everything, that can go wrong has gone wrong. We are on that predecided path to nothingness and stagnation.

Have fun, i'm getting the hell out of here as soon as i can.

Love (Sex?), Money & Ambition

2009-04-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

the SMA, :) pretty much the only three things we are worried about.

Suprisingly, 20 years from now, it'll still be the only things we'll be worried about. What changes? Magnitude, i guess. Now, its about getting a dream job. Ten years from now, it'll making it to the top of the corporate ladder and 20 years after that, it'll be getting to the bathroom without any help.

Money comes money goes, moneys stays there, money grows.
Money kills, Money feeds, Moneymakes you a Star, Money makes you Funny.

Nothing changes, the retardedness will be the same, the conversation will be the same. The intentions will be the same.

So as far the M and the A are concerned they are taken care of.

What we are left with is Love (Sex). [ Sex is the fermented grape juice which becomes love]

Eternally we search for it, its the only thing there is... we go through life with one aim, to find Love. Am i confusing it with happiness? maybe. But i really don't see the difference, i've hardly seen an unloved person happy. Have you?

Candy Celluloid.

2009-03-25T01:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, i'm Pissed. With a Capital P.

I have been watching all these teen movies, teen soaps, teen etc etc... for gods sake teen **** too.

And the stereotyping is just so pissing off... the melodrama is just so clichedly ridiculous, i am pushed to the verge of sanity and repulsion.

Most of this is directed at the audience... the filmakers just feed the desires of the mob waiting to gobble it up. So most of this intense dislike is at you motherfuckers.

Take any series okay... your typical protagonist is a geeky looking scrawny guy. right? And then you have this Van Wilder guy saying... "They are all cool in their own way, we need to give 'em a chance to show it" and exactly what is the gratification??? having typically tanned females on your arm. Really? so its all about havin "hot girls" who'll sleep with you?

For its so called, 'morale'... media has a pissing of quality of making women thinking they look like shit. Seriously... whats with that?

We Interrupt this transmission for a Message from the Writer.

2009-03-25T01:35:00.000-07:00

Good [insert time of day here] ,

This abnormally long absence of my writing has been primarily to not spread more sadness in this rather already piss of a world. The last few months have been monotonically depressing and opressing, and anything i would have written is sure to have had rather large Doses of Dark, Depressing, self-Depreciating, and character assasination overtones. Keeping this in mind, i have carefully made sure i dont come anywhere my blog when i have a keyboard in my hand.

Prefering ofcourse to use the keyboard for the more useful things in life, such pursuits that add dignity and give skill to you... as well as give joy to those around.

Basically i used it to play Guitar Hero. :|

Anyway, now that sembleance of my heretofore banished personality is showing signs of bursting through the shiny and blurry effects of alchohol induced delirium. I have deemed it possible that i can start writing without going into the effects of post-breakingup syndrome.

[yes i can make fun of it... YOU can't.]

So, yes... if there was a doctor who decided whether i could write or not...

He'd be saying, "Oh yes, he is perfectly sane to start blogging again"

and then he might say under his breath "for a given amount of sane..." ;)

Genuine Inspiration.

2009-02-20T23:14:00.000-08:00

There have been very few works of art that have moved me, a lot have me left me in wonder... but few have actually moved me. Its not very hard to move me... all it takes is melodrama and some overdone mush, however fleeting. I have great respect and love for cinema, i also hate cinema... it is a digressor of coherent thought, a meaningless display of vulgarity we are too eager lap up.

An overdose of useless and incoherent trash tailored to keep us from actually using our braincells.

There are times however where i like it for exactly that.

Once of those times has been the last few Months. I have been feigning that i'm alright... i've been putting up a manufactured facade of non-chalance... whilst the undercurrents have been tugging at me, bringing me close to the edge... and knowing all this, i almost willingly threw myself over. And in this time came to me what in my life will go down as a significant turn.

[Edit: I know this is sucking... there is a reason i decided to not write, but i guess i have to try]

I choose to go a movie which people called a good remake of an old melodrama, it is supposed to be a modern version. I accept i had high expectations and i can't deny that one of my major reasons to go to it was to wallow in my self pity... and see it on screen. I intended to go there and hate the women who made the central character miserable.

And as usually happens in such situations, a volte-face happened... i hated the guy and loved the women.

And that brings us to what this post is About... This post is about Kalki Koechlin. This is going to be a maniacal fan's narrow, all forgiving view of the most beautiful character in the movie.

And the most wonderful onscreen character i've seen in long long time, and as good as any. Trust me i've seen enough art movies to have the aukaat to say this.

Where do i begin?

When i try to sort through the various different scenarios that left me spell bound and glued to her character throughtout the movie, and pick one... i get reminded of my days in the classroom and the age of 14 where we used stick our hands up hoping to get the attention of the teacher, and our teacher used to take her time to pick the next person to have the "honor" of reading out loud.

Dozens of images, like flashes in a pan light my vision...

Let me start with Grace. Its very easy to be graceful when you're wearing the right gown and the right shoes, with the perfectly done hair and the oh-so-perfect makeup. That's easy, as easy as getting a donkey to be graceful for an animal fair.

The talent of blending in, of giving the audience a feel of comfort, whispering almost... softly like the sirens of the high seas... "its okay, my love... just relax... it's me on the screen now..." lulling the audience into believing that its not make believe. And all this while wearing a Pink Wig, in a school girl's uniform which is designed to be screaming at your senses "I'm a WHORE!". That is grace. Madhuri? with all her jewellery, and pretense of being a "courtesan" and hiding under other kinder words like "hand-maiden"... she didn't come close.

Strip away the greasepaint, and you see a Chanda... a chanda stripped of all the nonsense that t.v. likes to make us believe is happening out there... with our oh so obedient kids. You see a real girl, a real girl in a real situation. It happens, Wake up. Chanda was the most realistic potrayal of a 17 yr old that our cinema has to offer.

The beauty they say, lies in the detail. Lets talk about detail.

As a School girl, small details like Chewing gum, because it looks cool... having an "older" boyfriend on a hot bike, skipping classes, folding up the band on her skirt. This was the beauty of the character, the finer strokes that distinguish the master's work from that of a novice.

I've been appreciating the character so far, yeah? Could anyone else have done a better job? the question is as ridiculous as asking...could there be a better joker than Heath ledger? we don't know the answer and its best not to speculate.

The only avatar of Kalki i've seen is as Chanda. So to me... she is chanda, nothing more... nothing less. It is possible that the interpretation of Chanda is more of a director's dream than the actress herself... but creating a character is always easier than playing one.

Now, getting back. Chanda's potrayal, from the way she interacts with her family about the issue to her outburst against her dad, is masterful. Her angst against the fact that it wasn't what she was doing, but that it was filmed was the main concern. Her rage towards everyone else's hypocrisy... these are the emotions that fill up the character. To be locked up in your own house, for fear of shame... to avoid facing reality is hell.

Usually we're treated, with the "she doesn't eat her food, and the continous crying" that is the extent of the ability that typical actors have. But on the other hand, going through something like that is much worse, it is the constant heaviness which you don't want to be weighed down by... but will for always change the way people will look at you. You don't sit around crying, you try to do your work, get MOVING... but no matter how hard you try... the walls will NOT budge. They will be stubborn and eventually when enough tears have been shed, when enough time has been allowed, they budge.

And that was the brilliance of Chanda's character, she doesn't blame herself for her father's death.. as we are so used to wathcing these days. She looks at it like a real 17yr old.

Now, Lets talk about the real Chanda.

Chand the Whore, the randi or as she quotes a customer "C. S. W"

If i had to pay money to have her company, i'd proabably part with it. And definetly not for the sex.

Using foul language on the screen is an overrated activity it generally generates so much hype and the way actors deliver it... make it sound so... FORCED. usually.

Not this time... words smooth as butter, which would as the saying goes, make a salior blush. Are delivered with such ease... they fit right into the dialouge, there is nothing fake or dramatic about it.

And i can go on. All i can say is... i'm still reeling from the acid trip... that was kalki's performance as chanda.

Issues

2009-02-11T04:42:00.000-08:00

I thought i was quite fine, but i get it now that i have issues and a lot of things are quite wrong.

I shall therefore be not posting for a while.

Not that anyone actually cares, but i thought i'd rather say it... it would make the blog look less... abandoned.

The Elixir of Life

2009-01-08T05:48:00.000-08:00

I am an Addict and i accept the fact. But it isn't the effect that i am addicted to, its the purity and the divine aroma and taste of it. The richness and smoothness of the brew.

The single greatest contribution of the arabs to world. Coffee.

Its taste is unlike anything else in the world, and totally inimitable. Its a gastronomic Orgasm.

I LOVE my coffee. In all its forms, the ability of brewing it well requires such skill, that it is nothing short of an a art... and its brewers artists... and magicians, for there is such a high probability of being scorned and cast aside.

Which makes the finest brewers the greatest magicians, for those who can weave magic into the few drops of a drink are great indeed. A great many things have happened over coffee. A great many wonderful things.

If there was such an elixir, as those foretold by the great socerers and witch men of old.

This is it, this is the elixir of life.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T06:45:00.000-08:00

This post is a wee bit early, but anyway... Happy New Year!

This has been one of the most eventful and unforgettable years in my life. I fell in love. I found out what i care about... and i had faced few of my darkest moments. I faced questions about my future, and found courage to see those through.

I found the strength to fight my silences.

I also lost love, fought sanity and fought reason. Only to find Sanity and Reason... my thoughts have cleared and i have finally come out through the other side, mildly bruised but much wiser.

It has been a magical year, a complete fairy tale... with its dragons and witches, Hero's and princesses. It has been a journey i'm thankful to have had. Forgive the randomness of this post, this is happening extempore.

I am thankful for the new friends i have found and mournful of those i've lost, i feel it has made me... Me for all those who were a part of my life this year, Thank you... for you have been a part of what i've finally defined myself as.

I used to be a lost romantic without direction or coherent being, now i know who i am and know what exactly i'm doing... and what i seek, you have been a part of it... and i say it again thank you.

There is no use looking back, for The Past has happened and the Future awaits us.

This happens every second, and every moment of our existence... but for this once... let us celebrate a year which has added to our lives and brought to us that greatest treasure of all...

Wisdom.

Thank you 2008. Farewell, you are a friend who's memory will not fade.

And 2009! You have a lot to live up to my dear friend!

Happy New Year all, i hope this year is as magical as it can ever get. Reach for the Stars.

Love,

TP

The Oldest Drug

2008-12-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

First you're just curious about it, you've heard people saying some nasty things about it... and those who've tried it have given you mixed reviews. Few of them tell you to NEVER try it but they stick to it all the time.

Then you decide, maybe you want to try it too, see what it feels like. You hang around... and try it. It overwhelms you, its something you've NEVER felt before and has suddenly opened up so many doors, the world is a brighter place. And you're (on a) high, while the feeling lasts nothing seems impossible. Pink Floyd starts making sense and so do the lyrics in death metal. you start singing along to gay songs like truly madly deeply.

And then, you start wanting more.

Hmm, now that i look back at what i've written i guess any intoxicant, booze or ciggarrette might have fit the same pattern.

What i'm actually talking about is Love.

The Oldest drug known to man. Love.

That thing just fucks you up. Love even though not classified as harmful, or as an prescription only consumable. Definetly follows the pattern, typical of any other intoxicant.

Lets continue our story.

You Start wanting more, and more... and then suddenly you stop getting any. It drives you crazy, you become hormonal.. become exposed to spontaneous bouts of anger followed by crying. you start avoiding your friends... and piss off those you do care about. You start either eating nothing or too much... suddenly you've either lost or gained 5-6 kgs.

You start asking why, and then when you realise you arent going to get any... and when the source lets you know, there isn't going be anymore and that its over. You rebound onto anything else, as long as it keeps you high, you'll take anything alchohol, a joint, a blue pilll, a green pill... anything. or In this case, since love involves people instead of consumables... you'll start wanting to be with any random stranger who smiles at you.

finally, years after its over... after you've rid yourself of it, and weaned yourself of it.

All it takes is a slight chance encounter. And just like alchoholics, all you'll need is a little push.

And you'll be thrown back into Madness.

Written from the heart.

P.S This Being in Love thing Blows.

Open Letter to The Pro Chancellor

2008-12-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Sir,
I'm a Student of VIT, and am in my fourth year. I decided to Stay back during my Winter Vacation primarily to work on my B.Tech Thesis. However, it seems the University has a higher priority, becoming a movie set for example. I have no objection to or care for the shooting in progress on our campus... what i do care about is how this is coming in the way of what i stayed back during a time of my vacation to do.

I have no access to the Labs, i have been denied access to the campus premises. The hours i intended to spend learning, are now spent whiling away i can't even access the library. The Canteen is off limits, and the campus gate facing the hostel has been put under a lock. therefore if i want to go to the library, i will have to walk 2kms around the campus and enter it from main gate after being harrassed by security guards. and Having to explain what I'M doing in campus, i'm a STUDENT and it is my RIGHT to be in the campus.

Why has this "shooting" given you the moral right to close off all the gates? and not allow any students in? Why does it happen Repeatedly that you alienate students AND faculty by doing things like this? All the above, are as applicable to faculty as to students, in that manner we're being treated equal. Equally bad that is.

I don't know about being Student Friendly, but this college is DEFINITELY Shooting Friendly. The university will proabably declare a holiday when the next moviestar comes to shoot here. It is this behavioural aspect, that clearly shows the priorities of the college and the way they treat "their own" (in case there is a misunderstanding, i mean the faculty and the students).

I really expect no action, or corrective measures. But i would feel ashamed that i had to endure such ridiculous behavior, and i didnt speak up.

Yours Sincerely,

Tejapratap .B
IV year ECE.

My Picasso Moments

2008-12-05T21:54:00.000-08:00

I've talked about them before, but only with Aditi. They are the special section of my book of memories.

How do you remember your past? As knowledge? a few words and facts? as a series of events... or a set of smells? Have you paid attention to how you keep you memories?when something triggers your memory... that memory comes rushing back...ever cared how?

My memories are flashes of images, heavily distorted, a few colours dimmed and a few exaggerated in their brightness, over done. The Red too Red and the non descript sky like sterlised cotton... white, thready and never ending.

The Clarity of a few of these images fades with time, a few borders going fuzzy, the photograph getting a tinge of the sepia tone. A few lose all meaning and are relegated to the archives, and like all archives will probably be forgotten about, until something happens that will push you to extract the musty old memories... stale as sand.

A Few will remain on the fringes of your consciousness, the smell of home you left behind, the whiff of familiar perfume... the predictable pot holes in your street. People's faces as you'll always remember then, the Uncle with the funny moustache, the man who had looked immensely proud when he bought his first car, the mohalla kids who you played cricket with. These are your everyday memories, significantly redone to fit your perspective and since then unchanged.

This makes up most of my memory book, these and the innumerable afternoons i spent chatting away with my friends when i should have been studying. :)

However, these aren't the memories which make me feel privileged and special to have witnessed them. These were just the ordinary ones which give substance of which i'm made of, but not what defines me per se, what makes me... Me. The ones that do, those are My Picasso Moments.

These images will forever be burned into my consciousness, and each time they surface, they bring an extraordinary amount of... feeling? i guess is the word... with them, each detail, bright and clear as it ever was, each smell, the mood... Everything... it just RUSHES in. These will be the ones that'll define me, the ones that i'll always cherish and each time, be honored and happy that i had a chance to have them.

And if i could relive them, i'd give the world.

And then he looked back.

2008-12-05T21:45:00.000-08:00

My last few posts have been... how do i put it? very Objective? All of them intent on dealing with a particular subject, an event or an incident. It has become reflective of what i'm becoming. :) Since we started the paper, my perspective towards everything has become ' does that have "story" value' i look at everything like a journalist. Not like an author, i've thrown away all my charming little idioms, and phrases, which attached some character to my writing.

My writing now looks like a 'Story' as journalists refer to it as. Crisp, immediate consumption... like a pack of potato chips. That however is so...NOT the way i want to be writing.

i'll think its time i take a good hard look at the way i write.

The Dating Question

2008-12-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

There is something about the concept of dating that fascinates me.

And i can never get enough of the social analysis, the fine intricate weaving... the silly things people do to keep it that way. The approaches people try, the outcomes and the game.

It is a Game, but not in this country.

Dating in the western world is a way different affair from the one here. See, in the western world, dating is a kind of acceptable social behaviour where the intention is to have fun, and if luck permits find THE guy or for that matter, THE girl for you.

But, Oh no... like Russell Peters will put it... No nono no no... it ain't that simple here. (Obviously i'm not referring to the affluent Bourgeois, they tend to rather be off the charts when it comes to societal behavior and cause more headaches in the overall analysis ... are a major pain in the actual statistics)

The Dating world in Urban India my dear Friends is Way, Way complicated and much More fun.

And what is my research? Spending a good part of two days on a dating Website, a facebook app call SpeedDate. Which pretty much surprised my friend(s). So in case you did get, umm... status updates refering to my activity on SpeedDate, ignore... this was what it was for. I didn't want to spoil the surprise.

Now, What is the Objective of Dating on the Indian Web? Girls are NOT looking for dates. Nope. Misconception there, what they are looking for are "Hunks" who they think will approach them, and get this..."They are of the 'same' type"...now exactly do i mean by type? i hope he is a "of the same religion" or if he is from around here... the typical stuff.

People set great store by your profile Picture, its what matters the most... So you've GOT to make sure it looks insanely nice. Of if you are like me... e.g. i'm to photogenic like the ice berg was to the Titanic. You better use insane amounts of photoshopping or use some crazy abstract art picture.

That for some reason, gives an aura that you're "Upwardly Mobile" DONT ask me! i have no freaking clue why thats so. And people pleasee yaar, dont put your goggles on and sit for photographs, makes you like jokers. This however is view i'm sure is shared by a lot of people... there might be a vast majority who actually do think its cool. Ambiguity here.

The second most important characteristic is your approach... how good is your english? if your english is good enough... we have a winner! This however is the case everywhere. i mean come on... you look good and you speak well. that IS the winning combination.

Anyway, Dating here... the online type atleast is a joke. I was actually surprised that it might work... but naa... they are Far Cry from anything real ever happening to you... and thats because of all the anonymity... though the anonymity gives everyone the freedom to do things as wacky as possible, it also screws with actual concept... a lack of actually knowing who you are talking to, because you can't actually see their profile or for that matter their friends, makes it very hard to even get "real".

All in all, its a sucky substitute. But was wholesome entertainment, as i had to come up with the most RIDICULOUS flirt lines ever. And i thoroughly made a fool of myself, i'm happy now that it really WAS anonymous. :)

Cheers! Till the Next post then.

The Most Profound Question.

2008-10-31T12:00:00.001-07:00

What is the most profound question you've ever heard? i'd expect it to be a couple of lines atleast.

The most profound set of words i've ever come across is:

Q. Why?

Ans. Because.

Q. Why Anything?

Ans. Because Everything

The Personality of the Road Beings

2008-10-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

Who the bloody hell are you?

That question can be trivial and/or one of the most self-examining ever, depending on you.

That search for definition of who we are, and the craving of an identity, the issue of belonging... all these philosophical and though serious... boring things have been pretty much documented by half the pyscologists in the world, and the rest of the literature by lousy indian american writers, that not really what i want to talk about, anyway.

Coming to the Point. Who the bloody hell are you?

Now we can define you in innumerable ways, and put you into little boxes and label you. Race, Class, Creed etc... and you're supposed behave like how the rest in that box behave. These are as things go pretty lousy blocks and are unreliable at best.

Thing is i thought of a differnt one... box that is... and it is proabably one of the most awesome ways to describe a person(-ality).

The Way you Drive!

i've been pillion to a Number of drivers and all of them have a distinctive style to their driving which co-related to their actual personalities.

Now, the reason i never published this before, is that i never had the Complete picture you know .... all sorts. Today... that happened and now i'm in a position to put forward a theory.

Now lets start with Prashant,

Drives like a maniac, and nearly got me killed twice.

He drives fast, and looks through to all the short cuts, and irrespective of the cost... just takes 'em. High concentration, low effort.

Next, A guy who i don't talk to anymore.

Another guy who drives like a maniac, nearly killed a cow. Rammed into a toyota, with a mod engine.

this guy... tries new things all the time, never completes anything and crashes before the end.

pretty much the definition of a guy who tries too hard doing all the wrong things without getting the basics right,

Mr. LuckyStrike

Dude has concetration issues, nearly killed me again. And a two wheeler.

the dude has concentration issues, and lets say doesnt give a fuck about what baggage got left on the way.

i'm a boring, responisble type of driver, i dont exceed 50 dont take risky shortcuts, and therefore never go too far. or put in enough concentration of effort to overtake that one lorry.

and that says pretty much everything about my personality.

Obviously i haven't given you ALL the details, if i did, i'd be stuck with swollen hands for the rest of the week, but trust me on the facts and the correlation.

now the last piece of the jigsaw which completed the picture.

Today i met a Loser.

In every sense of the word.

He was a nice guy. and had come to the driving school for a four wheeler license.

First thing, he got tricked into giving me a free ride. Then, i get on... and he starts driving.

It was a scooter, been a while since i got onto one of those. An LML Vespa. it had that small seat in the front, you know for the kiddies? So i guessed he had two kids, further investigation of the number plate showed two names written in diff colors, So that one worked.

Then he starts driving. He never crossed 35 kmph on a six lane highway. He stopped for stray motorists to cross. He had issues asking for directions. And he had issues going atleast 3km without stopping to ask for directions.

i was to put it mildly, vexed.

Turns out the guy is 45 and just got promoted to Asst. Manager in a state owned bank.

He never took a risk, there are So many banks doing predatory hiring and he never went there, he is a semi pushover, which proabably explains his position in the bank. and a TON of things, if there is any person more unremarkable, i'd love to see him... because who i saw today was the perfect output of "The Man".

And another reason why i think my theory rocks is...

Women Can't Drive!

That explains a ton of things. :P

inspiration

2008-10-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

Writing without inspiration is pretty pointless, makes you sound like a broken record, or worse like McCain. So, I've been waiting for that particular spark, which has pushed a door open in my head and thus pushed my thoughts into directions that it has hitherto not gone to.

Anyway i got one of those today, and i shall verbalise it.

Eventually.

The Mirror

2008-10-31T11:14:00.001-07:00

We've started a Paper in our college, its in its second issue now... and lets say it needs a lot of work a lot of people were involved in its design and fucked it up majorly. And its going to be some task, undoing all that nonsense.

any way... here's the second issue.

Water Nymphs and Bonds of Water.

2008-06-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

For those who know about my family, well and good. For those who don't... hehe lets talk about my dad, he's this workaholic who is unable to grasp the concept of having fun. Ever seen the glucon-d ads? well he is a typical case.

I'll give you an example, he hasn't taken my mum or me out to a movie for over 10 months.
That's the definition of going out. His idea of going out is limited to grabbing Chaat at the local grocery shop.

So it came as a surprise to me, when he said... do you want to go Ocean Park. It was a thunderbolt, my eyebrows shot up... my ears twinged a bit, and it felt like Rafa losing on clay.

I quickly recovered and vigorously nodded my head. Of course that meant we had take my grandparents (surviving)...

Anyway, i decided to drive and got into the drivers seat, after giving everyone semi-heart attacks and nearly crashing into a lorry, i finally got them to theme park. They looked thankful to be alive and thanked the heavens and the stars. :)

We got our tickets and hurried into the park.

I got on to the usual thrill rides and was generally screaming my lungs out... then me and my dad decided we're going to get into Bumper Cars! It was refreshing to know that i still have my love for childish things :) i was joyful and laughing, trust me.... bumper cars ROCK! :D

So then we walked towards the water park, for those who have dreams of seeing hot chicks in skimpy clothes, FORGET IT. I walk in and i'm treated to displays of over sized, out of shape tummies with flab and elephants on two feet, with water dripping on to their skimpy shorts.

I've never seen so many unhealthy people in my life! jelly like motions, made sure they were every bit the food they ate...

Anyway, frightening scenes aside... (i think visions of flabby men and women will forever haunt me) we got into the wave pool.

And now we come to what this blog entry is about.

I was shocked.

At the people, at how happy people want to be and how they want there to be no wall between each other. The collective joy of the mob, its the first time i've experienced it.
Once the Waves started, there was no holding them back. No one cared who they were crashing against... people didn't care who was smashed against another, who anyone was... for that half-an-hour everyone were friends... we splashed water at each other, no one knew any one. we let those we never know into our assorted circle, we didn't care as long as we were having fun...

Water let something loose in people! all the while i was there, i didn't see one bad moment, one moment where there were not shrieks of joy and smiles on faces.

It gets better... there was a dance floor with water spraying at you... "Rain Dance" they called it...
Strangers become one, the idea of differences is washed away with the water.

What changed us? why do we not smile at an unknown face? why do we walk away from kind words? when did getting lost in the sites and smells of a city, of a people become taboo and risky.

Where did we lose ourselves? where did we forget that of the 30 million species we are one, and too few, and at the root of it... family?

When did we start leching... Where is all the innocence gone?

Slutgarden

2008-06-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

My current Manson Indulgence.

"Slutgarden"

I'll pretend that I want you
For what is on the inside
But when I get inside,
I'll just want to get out
I'm your first and last deposit
Through sickness and in hell
I'll never promise you a garden
You'll just water me down
I can't believe that you are for real
But I don't care as long as you're mine

When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)

I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe
I won't repent and so
I memorize the words to the porno movies
It's the only thing I want to believe
I memorize the words to the porno movies
This is a new religion to me

I'm a VCR funeral of
Dead-memory waste and
My smile is a chainlink fence
that I have put up
I love the enemy, my love is thee enemy
They say they don't want fame
But they get famous
When we fuck

When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)

I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe
I won't repent and so
I memorize the words to the porno movies
It's the only thing I want to believe
I memorize the words to the porno movies
This is a new religion to me

I never believed the devil was real
But god couldn't make someone filthy as you

When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)
When I said we
you know I meant me and
When I said sweet
I meant dirty (hey, hey)

You are the church
I am the steeple,
When we fuck
We're all god's people
You are the church
I am the steeple,
When we fuck
We're all god's people

Hola!

2008-06-08T05:23:00.000-07:00

Two things.

This week, two things caught my attention. An Experience at a Water Theme Park... and an article in the Opportunities Supplement of The Hindu.

And of course there is the next part of the serial.

A lot of writing... they're in editing phase...

wait a little more... i write best, when i'm half-asleep half-dead. My writing is a little far away.
:P

Edit : I said Two, i came up with 4. The underdog thing really had to be written, couldn't stop it from spilling on to the pages.

Trust Me

2008-06-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

A Deviant Art picture, am in Love with it.

Rambling

2008-06-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

Don't take this one seriously,
it's being written while i'm seriously waiting for someone to come online...

hehe, yeah "seriously" waiting. I don't like waiting. Its annoying.

We wait for everything. In this so called fast world, surprisingly we still wait a lot.

I live in a hostel. So lets see.
Hmm... lets see, we wait for the wash basin every morning, waiting for the guy pushing that toothbrush lazily into his mouth and giving me, who at the point am pretty damn sleepy (and considering i'm a person who has a significant amount of wet dreams) the impression that he is in fact wanking off the toothbrush.

And there is the wait to use the loo, ohkay come ON! get out man! a lot of crap comes from your mouth all day! is it necessary for me to listen to you actually crapping!? Fucks sake man... i heard you NOT flushing!... flush you idiot!

And then the wait for the bathroom. This i've personally given up on. I can't stand people nasaling himesh reshammiya. I can't stand himesh nasaling, these people are worse than him(its hard to imagine... trust me, apparently one CAN be worse. Its pretty bad that you already know you 5 mins away from you're first class, and this guy seems intent on singing every single fucking line and every single rip.
I've got around this one by relying on a personal adaptation of my body, which has decided not to sweat anymore. And then God created deodarants.

This saves time in actually getting the just-woke-up look. because, heh, i just did.

And then we get to class/work/wherever you keep you sorry ass during the sunlight hours.
Wait for the lift. And for you sorry souls, wait for the bus. And then rush to it, like people in a concentration camp do for food. And for you polluting gas guzzling vehicle owners, wait in line at the gas stations... wait to pay, wait to get.

Finally Get to your chosen hellhole.
It happens to be college for me.

Wait till its time for the break. Wait for the break to end. Wait for the Lunch break.

Get to the mess, wait for food. Wait for a table, wait for that idiot to get you a jug of water.
Wait for him to clean up the mess of the table, left behind by people lacking serious table manners, and probably taught how to eat by chimpanzees who are famous for throwing their crap at people when they are threatened.

Done with all this... then comes the actually fun waiting.
The waiting for your girlfriend to turn up,
the waiting for your results... when you know you could have just made it.
The waiting for your... well a lot of things.

Hmm... there is a shit load of waiting, but then... come on... if there weren't all that waiting,
doing things all the time would terribly boring.

i hope waiting doesn't go out of fashion.
hehe

Ah the pain, Bliss is here!

2008-06-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

I've done it now,
There is nowhere to go back to,
I've done it now,
the world seems a darker place, distant.
I've done it now,
The laughter seems to stop.

Couldn't take it any more,
Couldn't take the fake lives,
Couldn't take the hypocrisy, this shitty life,
Couldn't take it to not feel love.

I've Done it now,
There is nowhere to go back to,
I've Done it now,
I've pulled the trigger.

Ah the Pain! Bliss is here.

The coke is getting in the way of my writing this, in what is going to be my last confession. its scribbly but i guess you'll be able to read it.

I'm Sorry, i guess thats the first thing i want to say, of all the things i could've said, the selfish bastard that i am, i say i''m sorry, maybe the brain's wired that way... or maybe its all that coke. Nasty cut, that bastard ripped me off... oh well let him get his goodbye present.

What was that... haan... i'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for everyone to have had me... to have survived me.

I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry dad. I thought i could live upto what you wanted to see me as, i didn't give it my all, i didn't really care enough about what you wanted me to do, or how you felt about what i wanted to become, and was becoming. I'm sorry because i didn't try.

I'm sorry i lost you love. I'm sorry for being a fucked up me. I'm sorry i asked you to choose me.
I'm sorry i won you heart and broke it. I'm sorry i let break mine too. God, (Satan?) wtevr... this stuff is really heady... making things clear... isn't it supposed to Numb the pain?

FUCK.

This started out as a suicide note:

Then i thought it was an amazing piece of writing, so then i wrote some more, and edited some and rewrote some more... and then thought... This could be a Serial!
(Somewhere then i decide to postpone my suicide, this seemed more exciting... this is part one... introduction and really really morose... it gets better trust me.)

The Great Indian Unhappy Family

2008-05-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

The Great Indian family. Aren't we a happy lot! I can see your smiles, oh such sweet ones too... you hypocritical bastards.

I've always wondered why marriages fail. And always wondered why suddenly, everyone wants to get a divorce. Not that i care, honestly, other people can sort out their issues on their own... They don't need me to tell them what to do. But curiosity, you know thats the clincher.

The sudden interest in this to me at least, is why Relationships fail. I mean, people who know each for months suddenly say things like, its not working out... i don't love you anymore. Okay, people seriously. I don't love you anymore?! Is that even remotely on the same plane as sense?! I mean come on, you've spent enormous time... getting to know each other. And thats more than what everyone with an arranged marriage got and surprisingly, they're still together! ( Okay, how many 45 yr old divorce's do you know? ) I know my parents are, and thats pretty cool.
So why is it that these people survived the test of time, had kids and lived surprisingly happily ever after. And we get stuck with less than less than happy lives and bitchy fights and name calling, and divorces. We must be a really unhappy lot. The media has made us unwilling, to stuck up, too given to choice.

Now that is what i used to think.

Then i realized. Its all a lie.

It takes time, but i waited and then closely looked at these unbreakable and happily married families. They hate it. They've hated it all their lives... they wanted to scream, they wanted out.
But they couldn't, they were stuck in the society's web. Every generation before us, is the reason for the Great Unhappy Family, the reason why these soaps work... is because we are the great Indian unhappy family.

The Happily ever After of your parents is a lie.
The don't love each other, they just got used to each other.
In case they do, by god you're lucky.

They are living a life of lies, of compromises, of choices that were theirs to make but it wasn't then who made them, of dreams walked over, of life forced on. They are all stuck in unhappy marriages, Husbands who cheat on their wives, wives who don't love their husbands, rebellious sons, angry daughters, Husbands yelling at wives, wives yelling at kids, kids yelling at parents,
parents yelling at grandparents, grandparents yelling at maids... a den of hatred, Welcome to the Indian household.

They must've liked someone, in their time. And there are times when they might have regretted it. Now they've come too far to go back. Living a life of regret. What kind of life is that?

Tolstoy said:
"Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"
However,in this country, every unhappy family is unhappy for the same reason.

Ha. And We're morally bankrupt? Excuse ME!

Disclaimer : I'm Talking about all the Indian Families, if yours isn't as fucked up... congrats. Dil pe mat lo. Magar thoda socho.

Ha Ha!

2008-05-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

If you're wondering about the absurdity of the title, it means... well there are two new things!

Seriously, i know... i'm getting a just a little bit retarded by the day.

Anyway, two new things... i'm starting a Serial on this blog. Yay! (is that applause i hear? oh thank you, thank you so much! love you muah.. kisses... alright thats enough, now shut it. )

And i'm going to actually start using my own advice and start the blog therapy! The Abuse of other people's blogs Begins!

EDIT : I actually sound like a haleheartyoverthetop, happy person. I guess this might work after all. Hmm. Deep.

Like Suicide... Like Genocide!

2008-03-13T00:57:00.000-07:00

I hate my life, i've proabably known it all along, right from beign miserable about it, to taking to the fashion of reading dark depressing books and constantly wondering about self harm and hoping to wake up one day to find that all the world isnt a mess, isn't a bitch. I never did have hope for the fucked hell hole.

There’s a whole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren’t worth what a pin can spit.

that was sweeny todd. and i cant not agree.

My damn Lenovo C100

2007-06-13T04:17:00.000-07:00

right, i'm right now in the middle of my first microcontroller project. and i happened to need a USB to Serial (RS-232) cable to program my damn controller... so what happened when i plugged the cable in? well a Windows Code 41 is what it gave... after trying various things and pulling my hair out for while i came to realise that the BAFO 810 wasnt a real BAFO 810 after all it was fucking chinese fake with a CH341 instead of a Prolific 2303. Thats was IT i was so fucking angry that i wanted to pretty much quit...all right i'll spare you the anguish... after hours and hours of wasting my time... and fromatting my computer twice... i just got this crazy ass idea... wait a minute maybe my chipset is the irrational bastard... so after having failed to get any help online or the complete absence of help topics on this problem... i just updated my intel chipset software... something called OSFIXES that the intel guys put on the lenovo page... AND then it started working... christ it was and ugly expeirience.

TP

Me and my Big MOUTH!

2007-06-10T12:38:00.004-07:00

why? thats like the basic question for me. Always, why the fuck can't i keep my trap shut.

Its like a freaking disease. I say all the wrong things and provoke people at all the wrong times.
i usually pass it off among them and argue about it being frank and all that shit. But seriously thats no bloddy excuse.

i seem to disregard the fact that people have feelings(yeah right!) . Shut up alter-ego, shut UP!.

anyway as i was saying... it always seems so funny to make these outrageous jokes on other people's lives when well... it isnt really funny.

Example : some girl's life got fucked because well... her attendance was short and she wasn't allowed to write any of the exams. and i go over and make fun of the fact that she likes sleeping in the day.

which at that point of time isnt really the thing to be funny about.

similare other case, with people having relationship troubles etc.. i always wondered how my life would end.

i'm nearing the suspicion that it'll be suicide.

i'll say something really ugly and that bugger will murder me for it... it'll be a proper case of suicide, me and my Fucking BIG MOUTH.

The Haunting of an Ugly Past.

2007-06-09T02:31:00.000-07:00

its said that the past always comes back to haunt you. Exactly at the time you least expect it. Thats pretty wrong.

The damn things doesnt give a shit about whether you are expecting it or not. It comes and haunts you just the same.

Blasted thing. In this ugly society of ours, a failure isnt let go of easily. whatever you do after that.. acheive great things become the freaking president of the country and still they'll point out that you've failed in the past.

alright, i didnt clear the damn JEE can we leave it now???? Why is it that whenever a far off, duller, fat slob of a cousin gets through its rubbbed into your face that you didnt. You didnt get through to a decent college(anything other than an IIT is apparently a disgrace).

so today, no matter what i'll do. no matter what i've done. after i've finished half my engineering, my cousins and my parents and my "classmates" pretty much do the sneering. its UGLY to say the least. Why does ability get masked by marks.

what kind of acountry do i live in? where will the pressure to get out of this blasted Rat Race of a life be a little less?

one thing is for sure. if it were upto me i'd make sure none of those who i care about will ever have to face the ugly crowd vieing for place in this blasted sub-continent.

2007-06-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

The eternal time gap. regular blogging, concerning me is a total misnomer. I just dont feel like writing anything in. that's what i tell myself mostly... but its more about laziness than the actual dont "feel" like writing.

Why would i want to write on this page??? i've answered it in my first post, but i couldnt convince myself. :)

Okay, so between then(i.e. my last post) ......and now, Quite a bit has happened. I've turned 18, become a cynic and am exactly half way through to completing my Bachelors Degree.

And... i've immersed myself into Debates and organising things. Got myself an ugly reputation.

( previously i had no reputation to talk about). People hate me... which means i'm doing all the right things. So all in all a world of change has happened. And somehow on the inside, i'm not ALL that different.

I've changed, as in i've become a bit Rude to people to people who i dont like much. Sweeter to those i care about, and open indifference to those things i really dont give a shit about.

so, i've put the feigned Hypocrisy behind me

and as people say rather blandly... moved on to better things.

2006-11-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

Some point of time, all of us identify with a particular song. That song proabably expressess something you've felt, but never said out loud...even in your own head. I heard the song below... Feel, a while ago... and it feels like its really me who is saying these things.

it stirs up something deep inside me, making me identify with it. It shows the confusion my head is in... and even though i'm almost at a stage where i am expected to start learning to support myself.

Feel - Robbie Williams

2006-11-26T23:24:00.000-08:00

Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given.
I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language,
I don’t understand.

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
I don’t wanna die,
But I ain’t keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I’m preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That’s why I keep on running.
Before I’ve arrived,
I can see myself coming.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.
(instrumental)

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins,
going to waste.
I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face,
it’s a real big place.

(instrumental)
Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.

- Robbie Wiliams

The first.

2006-11-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

the first, hmm... i've lost count on the number of first blogs. oh well, it doesn't matter, i've started off again. i've always wondered what i blog was for. i guess its a way of communicating what you think. but to whom? that i think makes the vital difference in posting on a random web-page and on your own blog. i think a blog lets you communicate with yourself. yes i know we have diaries to do such stuff, and so do we have word documents to store whatever crap we can think of. But somehow blogging, putting it out on the world wide web... for everyone to see is what gives one teh sheer confidence of standing his ground and making those uncomfortable decisions he has to make, because under the glare (even if there is no one reading his thoughts) you need to know in your heart whats right, and recognise it.

Most proabably want a lot of people to read their blogs. I don't, as in I don't care how many people read this or who reads it. Sometimes, i feel an urge to yell out, to let out what i feel in terms of words. this need is satisfied by blogging. or so i've let myself into believing.

So, let me begin.